When I came to Paris, I was blinded by the city. I was blinded by both what I brought to the experience as well as what Paris had to offer me. I just fell so in love with all of it. I was accepting; it was just one amazing reality to accept after another. From the Notre Dame, to the way the Parisians don't move out of the way when you have no where to go on the sidewalk, I just accepted it. Face value. It is what it is. I was a tourist at first, and I wanted to experience and love every moment of my visit here.
Upon my return to Paris, as a new resident, I realized how much I have started to know/understand the culture. (I actually, for a brief time, got a little annoyed with people and these known oddities upon my return. And then it became, "Oh, those Parisians." [Important footnote: My temporary annoyance was not helped by jet-lag.]) In the end, I see I can now separate what I know/think about the culture into categories: those that I am fond of because I genuinely like them, and those that I am fond of because they are so foreign/strange/inefficient or FRENCH. I am sure that over my time here, the list will grow, and I will continue to categorize.
I am reading a book called Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay. It's about the occupation of France in July-August of 1942, and a modern woman looking to uncover details about that dark time's events. At one point, the French husband attacks the American wife for things she's probably noted/complained about in the past. "We know what [you (the American)] think of our schools, our hospitals, our endless strikes, our long vacations, our plumbing systems, our postal service, our TV, our politics, our dogshit on the sidewalks." I personally understood with each one of these items in a personal way. The way that only someone who's lived there can understand them. What's the most interesting is that I could see and identify with both her perspective and his disgust with her judgment.
Don't misinterpret, my desire to be here and my wanderlust remain fully in tact. I just think I approached my return a little differently this time. I think it's fair to say that I may have a deeper understanding of Paris for what it is, and under the shininess of it all, and I can see the "true Paris" in all its naked, bureaucratic, unglamorous glory. And yet, I still am completely enthralled and in love with it.
I now have a better perspective and acceptance of things, and they inform and influence my life here. I wonder if my acceptance will ever fully switch over to annoyance at some point. Over time, will I get "fed up?" Doubtful, but not impossible. In any event, the point is: I may be a bit more "used to" the city, but the honeymoon is nowhere near over.
I feel more grounded post-trip home. I returned with a feeling of security in knowing who I am and what I value. It's just a feeling of knowing my place in the world, and freeing myself to be able to fully experience whatever Paris has to offer. I see more clearly than before that I am traveling with an anchor of knowledge that I will go back home at some point, but I am going to have a hell of a good time now. I am just going to continue to be in the moment and experience this journey that I have allowed myself. As John Mayer says in 3x5s, "I finally overcame trying to put the world inside a picture frame." I just LIVED it, and I think that's how I am getting the most out of my experience.
My soul sings here. I have done something entirely for myself. It has worked out for me so far. I have done it as just one little person in a great, big world of opportunity. I see how incredibly blessed I am. This is truly a gift from God, and a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Today, I'm taking away from my experience that...
I am truly blessed. Not only is there a God, but he's on my side, cheering me on.
You need not live your life for others before having first lived it for yourself. It's not about making others happy (although that is part of it), it's about making yourself happy.
Life is not about seeing what happens, but, instead taking control and MAKING things happen.
I believe that once you have your grounding and you truly know yourself (via whatever process or length of time it takes you to acquire that end), only THEN you are free to allow yourself to find true happiness.
xo,
aKiP
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